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Although I may seem fine and put together on the outside I am actually battling a war in my head. My mind runs a hundred miles an hour I am always thinking. Everything can get so frustrating and overwhelming but I have to deal with it because what else can I do? Every day is a battle for me. I can’t finish things I start therefore I am left with multiple tasks unfinished. I get bored very easily. People may laugh and think I am making stuff up when really they have no idea. They may think they understand when really they have no flipping clue of how it really is and feels. I live with the constant battle of trying to be perfect but yet I’m so far from it. Trying to accomplish everyday tasks should be fairly easy right? Right! But not for me it’s a constant struggle Because my mind is working, thinking, and processing very differently than everyone elses.
I’m tired of trying to have everything “perfect” or what is perfect in my mind. When externally I am very organized my mind is the complete opposite. On one side I need everything to be perfect when on the other side I cant concentrate on a damn thing. I can’t start on a project until I have my room cleaned. After I finish my room I notice a coupon book on my desk and begin cutting out coupons. Then ill walk into the kitchen and see dishes in the sink which I immediately have to put in the dishwasher and not only just place them in the washer they all have to go in a certain spot. If someone else put dishes away that aren’t in the “right spot” to my terms I have to rearrange it. Then after I get done doing dishes I see that the counters needs clean. Ill open a cupboard and see what looks like a bomb went off with the plastic containers, so I then I have to organize the cupboard. This makes me feel a sense of relief like it was something that needed to be done right then and there or else is would mimic over and over in my brain to the point where it would drive me crazy. After all this I realize I’ve just wasted 2 hours of which I should have been studying. So I revert my mind back to my original task but then I realize I absolutely can not study until I work on laundry. Shit I just remembered I forgot to pay my bills again. As I do this I get to overwhelmed with my money situation and begin to feel frustrated because I can’t organize and sort everything out so I walk away irritated. But then I am quickly triggered by a thought that pops in my head. Everything that comes to mind is a huge priority that I need to do. I decide I need to get groceries but really I don’t I just have the urge to spend money so I go out and buy food and then I get pissed off at myself for spending what little money I do have. But I cant help it when something comes into my mind its like an itch I have to scratch or ill be sent into a mental frenzy.
I have the tendency to become interested in something so much I’ll do it over and over until i get bored with it. Such as scrap booking after I got tired of that I started doing pottery and so on. I absolutely hate that I can not stick to something longer than a few weeks maybe months. My concentration on things shifts 24/7.
I try and hold conversations with people and I have the best of intentions of doing so but I cant help my mind is wondering off and then I start thinking about something else and I want to say what im thinking so I either blurt it out when they are talking (which I feel rude for doing) or ill sit there and think of that thing over and over until they are done talking so I can tell them. If I don’t think about what I want to say and repeat it in my mind it will be a lost thought that is gone as quick as it came. It is so frustrating to not be able to remember things everyday. I may laugh it off when really on the inside I am so mad at myself for not being able to remember where a put something literally 2 seconds ago. If someone asks me what I did that day I couldn’t tell you because I probably wont remember. If I cant remember something for example watching a movie and I want to know what other movies a particular actor had been in I will sit there and think and think and think until it drives me absolutely insane and I will not feel a sense of relief until I am able to know the answer.
I am aware of everything that I do is to the sense, ridiculous and normally not necessary but I can not help the way my mind works. I’m the little kid that becomes easily distracted by a shiny toy. And instead of focusing on the task at hand I am to busy obsessing over the little things.

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 22nd, 2011 at 9:33 am and is filed under Question & Answers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.